


don't you see me?

by penrosequartz



Category: Supernatural
Genre: (not really) - Freeform, Angst, Fallen Angels, First Person, Fluff, M/M, One Shot, Sad, Season/Series 09
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-22
Updated: 2018-05-22
Packaged: 2019-05-10 03:19:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14728962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/penrosequartz/pseuds/penrosequartz
Summary: Castiel is old - and yet, in that moment, he seems innocent and scared and confused and all, all, all alone.





	don't you see me?

**Author's Note:**

> hey guess who started watching supernatural again lol i hate everything  
> this is just a teeny weeny destiel fic (I'M ON S09 BTW SO NO SPOILERS!!!)  
> title from "fallingforyou" by the 1975  
> have fun kids :)

Castiel is old. Dean knows that. He knows he’s seen the Tower of Babel’s first brick be placed in the dirt, and knows he’s seen that same tower toppled. But as Dean looks him in the eyes and tells him he can’t stay, that ancient, wise light in Castiel’s eyes goes out, and he’s left with a broken expression. The wide, open, honest look of someone who desperately needs help, needs  _ Dean’s  _ help, and he’s turning him away. 

“Oh,” Cas mumbles, looking down, “Right.”

Dean wants to tell him. He really does. But- well, how the hell is he supposed to break that to someone? ‘Oh, yeah, one of your brothers is hiding inside Sam, and if you don’t leave, he will, and then Sam will die.’ 

And if he does tell Cas, and then the guy goes all brainwashed-weirdo again, who knows what Ezekiel would do. He can’t tell him. He can’t.

But Cas looks up at him again, still without that age-old gaze, now with something more… human. A burning want. A need for an explanation, a reason.

“Why?” He asks, and Dean can feel his vows coming undone.

Castiel is older than humanity, but Dean loves him, loves his soul with all his heart, and he can’t bear to watch Cas shatter and piece himself back together again. Not after how many times its already happened.

“I can’t,” Dean murmurs, holding on to the one thing keeping him above water - that maybe Sam could get hurt if he reveals this secret. So he does what he’s always done. He protects his little brother.

“I’m sorry,” he reaches across the table towards Cas, who seems to shrink back, and he retracts quickly, “Cas, you gotta understand. I promise there’s a good reason, it- it involves Sam. And… his safety.”

“I see,” Castiel takes a deep breath, “I guess I better be on my way, then.”

And there’s a pause. It’s not empty, though - it’s filled with something Cas seems to be trying to say, but can’t quite get out his mouth. Dean tries to tune in, but Castiel is never on a frequency he can grasp. The planes and angles and lines of Castiel’s face are too abstract and obscure for him to read, so all he gets is white noise, again and again, until-

“Take care of yourself, Dean,” Cas gives him the smallest, saddest of smiles, and gets up to leave, taking his plate with him. Dean turns to face him, and as he does, Cas hesitantly touches his shoulder, his left shoulder, right where his handprint used to be, and walks away.

It’s only after he’s gone - not necessarily completely out of contact but certainly out of  _ something,  _ and it’s irreparable, and Dean will never have him back, not in the way it used to be - that Dean realises what Castiel was trying to say. And he barely holds himself upright.

The white noise separates and leaves shining words in its wake. Among them are “I’m sorry,” and “I forgive you.” Among them are “Things will never change,” and “Sometimes, things change.” And among them are the three most meaningful words of all, and Dean is really hoping he’s not misreading this. He’s really hoping that touch didn’t mean what he thinks it did. Or maybe he’s hoping that it does.

If an angel, even a fallen one - especially a fallen one - looks at you like that, Dean thinks it might mean “I love you.”

And he hopes Castiel, even without his grace, can hear when Dean whispers, alone in bed at night, that he loves Cas too.

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments make my day guys. if you enjoyed it, i'd really appreciate it <3  
> prq out  
> EDIT: it's been two weeks and one day since i published this and i'm now on s12. (at the top it says i was on s09). kill me. i have exams tomorrow.


End file.
